Full disclosure: I was very hungry during our last staff meeting, that’s why we’re at this point. This is going to be perhaps the worst article to ever grace this terrific website, and to be quite honest, I have no idea why it was greenlit by my managing team.
Yet, somehow it was. So, here I am, really about to do this.
In previous installments of the Comparing the Toronto Raptors to… series, it began with comparisons to television shows, such as cult classic sitcom Superstore and critically acclaimed crime drama Breaking Bad. Today, it’s going to be taken in a brand new direction, as we try to diversify the portfolio.
I consider myself to be something of a snack connoisseur. One of my current lifelong goals is to try as many different chip flavours as possible. When it crossed my mind that I could combine my love for basketball with my affinity for snacks, I realized the payoff is far too big to pass up.
Plus, today in particular is a great day for snacking, because of that thing people will be doing today… exercising, because the weather is getting warmer. Naturally, this works up an appetite, and snacks to feed the body and nourish the soul only seems like a logical choice.
So, here is the question that I am certain has been on everybody’s mind: if the Toronto Raptors were potato chip flavours, which would they be and why?
The definitive analysis on this critical issue, below:
Regular/Plain – Bobby Webster
This chip is simple, but cold and calculated. It doesn’t need to rely on any different elements to succeed, just a little salt and some crunch. By focusing on the simple roots of what makes a chip successful, it executes the fundamentals well. Bobby approaches team management in the same manner; take simple foundations and build upon them. This has proven to be successful, as he’s been part of building one of the best basketball programs in the league.
Barbecue – Gary Trent Jr.
The fan favorite. The bold, flavourful, relentless chip that has so many different ways to satisfy your taste buds. It can be sweet, it can be smoky, it can be hot, it can be bold, but it always gets the job done. Since arriving on the scene, Trent is doing a bit of everything – he can score from just about anywhere on the floor and defend all the same. Both are going to stick around for a long time to come, and that’s exactly the way it should be.
All Dressed – Kyle Lowry
For Canada’s iconic chip, it only felt right to go with the most iconic player for Canada’s franchise. All dressed chips are a mix of ketchup, sour cream & onion, barbecue, as well as salt & vinegar. Akin to Lowry, this chip brings a little bit of everything to the table, when blended altogether, creates a fantastic and unique taste. It’s not as appreciated by the United States as it should be, but Canada knows just how special it is, and will keep it around for as long as it possibly can.
Sour Cream & Onion – OG Anunoby
Sour cream & onion is deceiving, in that it doesn’t look or sound like it has much to offer at the surface level. Take one bite, however, and what you’ll find is a really solid chip with a bold taste. Once you try it, it will quickly be added to your flavour rotation. OG Anunoby is stoic, and if you’re not paying close attention, it’s easy to underestimate him. If you make the mistake of overlooking him, you’re missing out, because he is truly blossoming before our very eyes.
Sweet Chili – Nick Nurse
The fun thing about sweet chili is that is ranges from sweet to fiery, and it changes in an instant. Nurse is a gentle, mild-mannered individual from Iowa who also routinely leads all coaches in technical fouls. Sweet chili is one of the most versatile chips out there, pairing well with almost anything but also gives you a different taste with each bite. Nurse mixes his lineups in the same manner, having something for everything, to great success.
Salt & Vinegar – Fred VanVleet
A flavour for the toughest of taste buds only. In fact, the only thing tougher than a salt & vinegar chip is probably Fred VanVleet. He plays with tenacity and attacks his opponents on both ends, and even has battle scars to prove his toughness. If you’re able to survive the malty vinegar taste for the first few bites, you will end up with one of the best chips out there.
Jalapeño – Pascal Siakam
How are you gonna have a nickname like Spicy P and not go right to the spicy chip? Like Siakam’s game, the jalapeño chip is all about flare and heat. Different brands have different levels of heat to it, but they always come in strong and their presence is made known. One major weakness each: clogging the paint, and a glass of water.
Ketchup – Chris Boucher
While ketchup chips don’t have the same name recognition as all dressed chips, they are still one of Canada’s secret national treasures. In the same manner, Chris Boucher has emerged into one of Canada’s hidden basketball gems this season, bringing lots of energy and flavour of his own to the table.
Cheese – Malachi Flynn
One of the most consistent chip types out there, this doesn’t need to overpower you with spice to get the job done. Instead, it focuses on a simple taste to methodically break down your taste buds, almost as smooth as Malachi Flynn with the basketball. Plus, his beard is a little orange-y.
Roasted Garlic – Yuta Watanabe
One of the most persistent and hard-working chips. Yuta Watanabe plays man-to-man defence in the same way the garlic scent lingers after consumption; it really sticks with you. His constant effort on both ends leads him to earn the comparison of this wonderful, aromatic, crunchy snack.
Cool Ranch – DeAndre’ Bembry
A chip for the cool, smooth, and sophisticated individual. The person who eats this chip at parties is probably the social and outgoing one who brings different groups of friends together for a good time. Bembry is well-known for his snazzy outfits, and drip aside, he has been a great glue guy and is important to team success, much like having these in the middle of the table is essential for a good party arrangement.
Honey Mustard – Paul Watson Jr.
Simply put, it deserves more love for the way it’s putting in work under the radar. Nobody talks about Snyder’s honey mustard pretzel bits like they ought to, and honey Dijon is a lesser-known Miss Vickie’s chip, but I promise that you will be surprised and impressed if you try a bag. Watson’s developing into a great find for the Raptors as a three-and-D specialist this season, and when he expands his game even further, watch out.
Lime – Khem Birch
Succeeds when used in the right situations. If you use a lime chip for chopped liver, for example, it’s probably not going to work so well. Make some beef nachos with it, however, it’s a winner. Thankfully, Khem Birch is proving to be more beef nacho than chopped liver, as he’s really thrived since moving from Orlando to Toronto, getting the chance to showcase his skill set.
Unsalted, Reduced Fat – Freddie Gillespie
At first glance, it might not be your first choice of chip. If you pick one up and try it out, however, it works as well as other chips you could’ve bought, if not better.
Dill Pickle – Aron Baynes
There are situations very few and far in between where this flavour could be appealing, but only in very specific instances. Generally should remain on the grocery shelf.