After watching all 40 seasons of Survivor throughout the pandemic, rather than take a break from the show I figure I would predict how a season would go if the cast were made out of the Toronto Raptors roster.
Everything you’re about to read has been entirely made up in my head. There is no possible way to prove anything I’m about to say would actually happen in real life. This is all hypothetical.
So here is how this is going to go. I have split up their roster of 17 players (threw in a couple G-League players just for fun) into two tribes, and to round the number out to 18, I added Nick Nurse into the mix.
|Red Tribe||Purple Tribe|
|Kyle Lowry||Nick Nurse|
|Aron Baynes||Norman Powell|
|Yuta Watanabe||Jalen Harris|
|Malachi Flynn||Matt Thomas|
|Paul Watson||Pascal SIakam|
|Fred Van Vleet||Patrick Mccaw|
|Donta Hall||Stanley Johnson|
|Chris Boucher||De’Andre Bembry|
|Terence Davis||OG Anunoby|
Each “tribe” will compete in challenges for immunity, the loser gets sent to “Tribal Council” where they will vote a member of their team out of the game. This will go on until “The Merge” where the two tribes will turn into one, making it every man for himself until only one is left.
Purely for word economy here, I am going to breeze through the imaginary pre-merge and just get rid of all the players who would surely not make it far in the game.
Nick Nurse is the obvious first vote off, simply because of his age. No one over 45 in Survivor ever makes it that far. Donta Hill is next to go because he was only on a 10-day contract so his time ran out, Patrick McCaw left the game via medical evacuation while Jalen Harris and Malachi Flynn got voted off because they are rookies. Then Matt Thomas, Terence Davis and Stanley Johnson are all gone too because they add nothing to the story line. That goes for Paul Watson as well.
At this point we’re at the merge. Every man for himself, competing for individual immunity – players will have to vote someone off the island each week until three remain. From there a jury of those who were previously voted off will decide who wins.
Here is how I think it would go based on my expert Survivor knowledge and lack of ideas for a quality article.
9th Place: DeAndre’ Bembry
At 8 votes to 1 this was a unanimous decision.
Naturally Aron Baynes won the individual imminuty challenge this week so he was safe.
What it came down to is the tribe didn’t know where Bembry’s allegiances lie. Is he a starter? Is he a bench player? Collectively the team decided they couldn’t trust him – making Bembry the first member of the jury.
8th Place: Norman Powell
Aron Baynes once again won immunity, making him safe.
Everyone voted for Yuta Watanabe actually, but didn’t account for the immunity idol Yuta found some time in the middle of this season. Since all of the votes cast on Yuta didn’t count, his lone vote on Norman was all it took to send him packing.
Yuta felt like Norm’s value was getting too high – had to get rid of him ASAP before it went down.
7th Place: Aron Baynes
He lost the individual immunity challenge. It was a layup contest.
In Survivor, as soon as a challenge beast like Aron Baynes shows any sign of weakness, you gotta vote him off.
As unlikely as it was that Baynes could have rattled off a few good performances in a row (like everyone thought he was going to do) the tribe-mates couldn’t risk it. This vote off was a no-brainer.
6th Place: Yuta Watanabe
Yuta and his idol play was not forgotten, and the tribe enacted their revenge on the Toronto Raptors Prince Charming.
He was too likeable and would surely get votes to win the game if he were to make the final three.
That leaves us with a final five of Kyle Lowry, Chris Boucher, Pascal Siakam, Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby who has been so quiet that everyone forgot he was still there.
At this point, the way I see it we probably have a divide between the guards and the forwards with OG not really sure which position he’s leaning towards.
After a bunch of one word answers to his tribes-mates questions the group decided that OG was just too tough to read and couldn’t trust him – the next day, they voted off Chris Boucher because, although there wasn’t a real reason, he was just getting a little annoying.
At this point, we’ve got Lowry, Siakam and VanVleet all trying to convince the jury of teammates they just voted off why they should win this completely imaginary game of Survivor. Which pretty much means, who is the most likeable?
The obvious answer is Siakam but I’m not sure how he would do explaining why he should win. He is like a golden retriever, and most definitely has ADD so his jury speech will probably be all over the place and leave everyone spinning.
That brings us down to Lowry and VanVleet.
If Lowry plays Survivor like he plays basketball – which I get to say he does – then I’m not sure how the people he played against would like him. I would say VanVleet would end up winning this one just because Kyle pissed off so many people during the game that no one would want to see him win.
Thus ends probably the most ridiculous article I have written, which is saying a lot.
Jeff Probst if you are reading this, please put me on Survivor.